Of Songs And Flowers
by Fidella
Summary: After being reunited with Cadvan, Maered must come to terms with what shes done, who she is, and the things she has yet to do. It will take more than powers alone to reach her goal, it will take a strength she has not yet truly shown. Possibly OoC.


_Just so everyone knows, I am typing this without having finished the Pellinor series. My knowledge of the world, and the creatures/people of it will be what exists at the end of the second book. Please do not tell me what occurs in the last two books. I already stumbled across a huge spoiler and I'm still pissed about it. If anything is wrong in the story, such as a name or a place, please let me know, just as long as it's not something I'm supposed to discover later in the series. I have no beta, so feedback is appreciated. I love comments, they are food, and I am hungry! _

_The characters are not mine, though if they were I could die happy. Please do not sue me. _

Maered of Pellinor was cold, wet, hungry, and tired. But the thing that bugged her the most, that made her tongue sharp and her mood nigh intolerable was how _dirty_ she was. Cadvan, her teacher and friend had long since given up talking to her. She really couldn't blame him. They had set out of the ruins of her birthplace a day ago and been riding hard and fast since. She'd been struggling with the trek and he'd politely inquired as to whether or not she would like a moment to rest. She'd accused him of calling her inferior. _'I'd stop talking to me too.'_ she thought, not without humor.

Unfortunately, with the silence, came the time to reflect inwardly. She knew she had been childish before she'd been taken to Ankar, just as she knew now, that somehow, she had changed. She looked down at her ruined left hand, curling her last good finger. If she was to be the Player, how was she to play without the music? Even if she knew the music, how was she to play at all!? She sighed inwardly. It crossed her mind, not for the first time that this...deformation was a form of punishment. She had done something dark. And she had scoffed at her teacher and thrown a childish fit that had nearly ended in the death of the only man she had ever trusted. What she would have given to go back, to change the things she had done. The murder she had committed.

Cadvan leaned against the trunk of a rowan tree now. She had not truly apologized for what she had done. She had said sorry, but backed it with an excuse, turning it into his fault._ 'That's not right...'_

She cleared her throat, unsure if he had fallen asleep. Cadvan raised a brow.

"I...I need to speak with you...." She felt awkward and ridiculous. She knew, in a deeper sense of her being that much of what had been wrong, and the hurt between them had been healed the moment they had rediscovered one another. But something in her heart made her need to speak it aloud...even if it hurt.

Cadvan sat up. No longer possibly asleep, but as sharp and alert as she had ever seen him. "Alright Maered. Speak freely with me then, and I will do so for you."

She nodded, and gathering her courage like a cloak she looked her mentor in the eye. "I committed a murder Cadvan. It was terrible and-" She swallowed a lump in her throat. "wrong. I will no longer make excuses for this." She felt the stinging burn that meant her eyes were tearing up. But she held her eye contact with him, though it left her feeling naked and exposed. "I have had time, much time to reflect on myself the hurt that had been caused by my hand, and the shame I have caused you. I am sorry. You were right. There was a darkness in me, and it- no _I_ poisoned and almost ruined everything."

Her lower lip began to tremble, Cadvan said nothing. Perhaps not as much as she had hoped was healed. "I almost stayed there, with Ankar. There was a darkness in him that some part of me responded too. And he knew it. He knew what was in me, when I did not. I remembered you though. I knew just because that part of me is there, does not mean I have to behave like a creature of despair. Yet I feel it even more in my soul now, the vile offenses I have committed." Cadvan still said nothing, his eyes never leaving hers, his face masked in unreadable emotions.

She went to twist her fingers together, her right hand reaching her scabs before she realized she had only the one. She broke eye contact for the first time, looking down at her hands. The tears came now. Not the tears of self pity she'd often cried, but tears of sorrow for the life, love and light lost. For the darkness that existed within her, and pain of leaving Ankar. For the loss of her fingers, not for herself, but for the music. She had never, and probably never would again, trust a man with this much of herself. She had exposed her jugular willingly, and would not move to defend it, should he strike. She looked back up at him, a mixture of the heart wrenching pain she felt in her very core, and fear for what he would say. His eyes held hers in a lock, She felt him searching her, as she had once done to him, when she had discovered his past with the dark.

He leaned forward, his hand brushing a dirty lock from her face, then in the same fluid motion brushed the tears from her cheek, before resting over her mauled hand. "I would that I could have spared you this pain. But the more I reflect on the nature of our mission, and the purpose of the fated one, the more I realize that there are demons within all of us that we must confront. You more than anyone, and I do not refer to the Prophecies, but to you're heritage, you more than anyone must confront these dark reaches, that is in all of us." His eyes rested on hers intently. And she saw on his face all the things that she had seen in herself. The shadows played across his face as they had on several occasions before. "Not everyone thinks of me as you do, and many think me close to a hull." Her eyes widened in outrage and he smiled at her. "I do not mind. I know what I am as well as I can in this moment, and their thoughts on someone they do not know don't touch me." He looked down, and was quite for a moment, as if fighting some enteranl battle. Finally his face lifited to hers again, his eyes, normally hard, and veiled to conceal their hidden depths now showed those depths to her. She had known he had them, but rarely had he shown them to her.

"I am so proud of you in this moment Firelilly. To face your inner demons, and come out of it, still hopeful for the light, Bards more than five times your age could not manage such a feat, but then, you turned a hull into a rabbit. And sang a Stormdog to sleep." He smiled again, his eyes inviting her to share it with him. Which she did, with a a fresh wave of tears.

"Oh-oh -oh" She sobbed, wanting to say more to him, to feel closer to someone who understood so perfectly. Of course Cadvan understood, she knew he did, she had seen it on his face but had not been able to understand in return. She did now. She leaned forward in a clumsy embrace. Cadvan rocked back on his heels and pulled her into him. "I – I don't deserve this." she cried out between sobs. "Not when Lilia lies in the ground and that man, that man feels broken inside because of me." She tried to push him away. "I am a monster."

He held her tighter, but maered realized with surprise that she did not feel the normal spazzam of fear that men invoked in her. "maered, Mearad, no. You are no monster. It was my fault. I failed to to instill in you the proper ethical theories, and if this had not happened, how then would you have truly faced the dark? No it is better to mourn, and even regret the loss of life, but never let it hold you from the future you must meet."

She breathed in his sweet spicy scent as he rubbed her back, and brushed her hair. He pulled them both back against the rowan and maered found herself pulled to his chest, her lower body resting between his legs. He continued to stroke her hair and she let the emptiness in her pour out. There came a soft vibration from Cadvans chest, and she realized the he was humming to her. It was a nameless tune. His fingers threaded through her hair as hers had once on her lyre.

Her sobs slowed, and finally stopped, and still Cadvan hummed to her. She felt the vibrations in her very core. Losing track of time, she lay against him, listening as her tears dried on her cheeks. Softly, barely more than a whisper she heard the resonating chord within herself. She still had music! She would sing. She listened to his melody and realized he was humming a ancient tune, one that children at the schools would groan to have to learn. _'But it's beautiful!'_ She thought in surprise. Slowly she turned, so her voice would carry to the sky, and began to sing softly, her voice growing more strong with each passing line.

**"_Short-lived is treasured youth,_**

**_like a dream. And soon_**

**_the painful and ugly truth_**

**_looms above our heads,_**

**_hated and despised alike,_**

**_takes over men deforming_**

**_and making them unrecognizable,_**

**_damaging the sight, and mind."_**

They're melody was one of soft sorrow, of lessons learned and the loss of naivety.

"_Oh joyful youth, oh beauty unbound!_

_All the world is yours_

_All the light welcomes you_

_Oh to be of youth. _

_But it is not banked to last. _

_It's fire will die_

_and be replaced with True Knowing._

_Oh the pain of losing youth."_

They sung the words to their melody in the speech, and as she felt the truth of the words, the loss of innocence, she realized that their song was incomplete. Because with that loss, and the pain, she felt something different growing in her, shifting within the song that ran through her veins. She looked up at Cadvans face, he stared at her with such open caring. It would seem her slight, that he used her only as a tool of the light affected him still. She would remedy that. She would make this better. And she would right the crimes she had committed in the only way that she could.

Sitting up now, her back stiff from it's prolonged amount of time in that position, she prepared to say what she needed to do aloud. Some how it made it more terrifying. Looking at her lap she finally asked him. "Cadvan...What happens to Bards who commit murder?"

His sharp intake of breath answered the fears she had, and confirmed them.

"maered...You could not control yourself at that time. You were rushed into training and it made it all the harder for you to control your powers. This is not something you should be faulted for"

"Who then should be faulted!?" She spoke tensely, she did not want to yell in this moment of soft serenity they had created by song. "You!? No Cadvan. I will take responsibility for what I have done. I regret that it must be after I do what I have to, and that she is not delivered the swift justice a Bard of the Light should have."

He leaned forward and gripped her shoulder. "You do not deserve to die either!" His eyes flashed dangerously. "I will not think to lose you again. Not so soon. We have a perilous trek ahead of us. We must find Cai, and we must fight a power we do not fully understand with another power we do not understand using a speech and a song we do not know. This journey cannot be taken if you plan to die the moment it is through! What call would you then have to fight to survive!?" His hand shook, and She stared at him in silent surprise. Cadvan had always been a man of extraordinary self control, fueled at times souly by his iron will, never betraying the suffering he was in, or the fear he might have had. But for her, his hand shook. In maereds mind this was a monumental testament that he cared for her as more than just the Fated One.

She took his hand in his. "Alright Cadvan, for now we won't speak of it. But I cannot live with myself unless something is done on her behave. She didn't-"She looked down now. "She didn't deserve to die. And I hated her in that moment, and willed it so. These are crimes I deserve punishment for."

Cadvan sighed with a mixture of exasperation and sadness on his face. "Very well. We will decide a course of action later. _We_ maered. Not _you_."

He withdrew from her, and looked up at the sky. "It will be nightfall soon. We should get some rest this time and in the morning we can decide which direction to go and set out. We do little good in one spot for too long."

She nodded suddenly sleepily. Suddenly the days of trekking, and emotional upheaval caught up with her with a vengeance, but one thing still bothered her immensely. "Cadvan..." she called softly "Can we go somewhere with a bath?"

Cadvan let out a bark of laughter and she smiled at the sweet noise. "I think that might be arranged. If nothing else." With that they set out their sleeping gear, and Cadvan stoked the fire again. "I will take first watch my student."

She narrowed her eyes. "It had better only be first watch. You need rest as well." He waved dismissively at her, and she rolled over, finally closing her eyes for a true rest the first time in more than a month.

_And so ends the first chapter! Yay! We'll see how well this develops. I don't think many people read Pellinor fanfiction, but it would be nice if they did. The first stanza of the song that maered and Cadvan sing is taken from a Greek song by __**Ioannidis Nikolaos**__. I do not know whether or not it is actually an Ancient Greek song but I believe that is what he specializes in. His website is __/__ and is worth visiting. _

_Chapter play list - _

_Daemonia Nymphe – Singing to Poseidon _

_Unknown Youtube video - __.com/watch?v=Vuouow-3xBk&feature=PlayList&p=D49B269667040CF7&index=10_

_Thank you for reading! _

_EDIT: Have now finished the last two books, I had to wait a stupid amount of time for the final book because for some reason it was only available from Australia... don't they heavily edit their authors work and ban books? Rumor I heard. _

_Anyways, they were fantastic, though I'll admit, I care less for Hem than maered and Cadvan, so getting through his sections of the books were particularity painful to me. I'm leaving this story as is though, simply because that was my impression of the world at the time, and I also didn't want to wait two and a half books for maered to stop acting like a spoiled little brat. She has probably earned the title of my least favorite heroine. Much prefer Beka Cooper or Alanna of Trebond and Olau, well hell, any of Tammy's heroines are my favs any day. _


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